We went out to the beach the other day, and I was appalled, appalled mind you, how some men about my age were dressed!
Now, I’m no fashion geek, but sometimes a man just can’t stands no more!
And, this is one of those times…
Older dudes’ questionable choices of beachwear got me thinking about other poor choices being made by men my age.
And, you know how dangerous ‘thinking’ is…
In this particular case, I’ve decided that someone should say something about these fashion abominations. Further, I figured this ‘someone’ may as well be – well…me. After all, it’s my idea and I am already sittin’ here thinkin’ ’bout it, and all, so here we go…
Note: My list of Don’t Do’em’s is presented purely as a public service:
10 Things Men Over 60 Should Never Do:
- Never wear shorts, or swimwear, that end above your bony-a*s knees. Plus, don’t wear socks with sandals. If you need socks, wear shoes for heaven’s-sake!
- Always wear an undershirt under your outer shirt when appearing in public. Ignore this advice if you’re Mick Jagger, who should always wear at least 3 shirts so people won’t think he’s about to sink into a coma due to exhaustion from decades long denial that Keith has always been the epicenter of the Stones.
- Immediately stop wearing clothes older than the legal drinking age! Yeah, you’re a stud because they still fit, but old dudes should not dress like they’re homeless. Sell them to a resale shop so they can be bought by young people who can pull that type of extreme-retro look off.
- Don’t flirt, make suggestive comments or double entendres to younger ladies. And refrain yourself from making lame jokes like ‘if I was 20 years younger’ etc… Trust me, if you were 20 years younger, you’d also be embarrassed by this kind of transparently clownish behavior!
- Codicil to # 3, if you suspect a woman’s coming on to you, it’s about 500 to 1 that you’re dead wrong. If, by some slim chance in hell, you’re right, rest assured there’ll be a price tag attached to it’s cute little behind.
- Stop bragging about “the good old days” – your memory is selective – and the good old days weren’t all ‘that’ good.
- Yes, social norms have evolved during your lifetime. Yet, complaining about the changes won’t stop drivers from using their cell phones, lower the price of a gallon of gasoline, stop a Mr. Mark Elliot Zuckerberg from running for president, or make ‘boys’ pull up their over-sized trousers!
- For your daily driver, don’t drive something manufactured before your grandkids were born. Exception: true classics, like a 1955 Studebaker Golden Hawk, are cool.
- When stopping at stop lights & signs, pull on up to the car in front of you. This common courtesy can allow drivers behind you to get into the turn lanes before hell freezes over, the light changes and the turner has to sit through another light. Oh yeah, turn off your damn turn signals after you’ve made turns and remember: the outside lane is for passing and faster traffic!
- Finally, unless you desire social pariahhood, don’t talk about your health – even with family members – unless they’re destined to become your caregiver. Trust me, there’s zero interest about you getting up to urine 5 times last night. On the other hand, ‘everyone’ loves hearing about the time I peed on the boll weevil statue still sitting in the middle of Main Street in downtown Ozark, Alabama…
It goes without saying, so I’d break my leg to say it: this list is just for fun. And, we both know it’s not easy getting old!
Note: Studebaker Golden Hawk Photo: Mike Miglia
Talk to you next time…
P.S. Don’t forget, add your pet peeve in the comments below.